The Judger and The Saboteur…Playing Small

by Aileen

Several months ago, I was content.
I was happily successful, paid fabulously well and and truly liked my job.
Yes, I was content.

My Beloved and I were planning our December Wedding and he had to work far more hours than I did.
I wish he didn’t have to work so late.
He isn’t content – not at all.
He has strong dreams that fuel him.

While we were planning our wedding, he talked about his dreams of having
“our businesses” together… being entrepreneurs.
In my contentment I did ‘hear him’ and I did agree with him.
I just couldn’t REALLY HEAR him because I was content.

Two months after we were married, the company I was working for shut down our division and moved out of state.
At this moment I was no longer content.

I began to rethink job security and age discrimination. I saw how happy employment can change in an instant and as an employee I’m powerless to what happens. I hadn’t felt powerless prior to that moment and suddenly I felt unempowered and frightened.

Now when my beloved talked about his entrepreneurial dreams of us having our own businesses, I REALLYHEARD” him.

I got it.
I got it on so many levels.
If we wanted to be in control of our “job security” then we had to be our own boss
so no one, other than ourselves, could determine employment.
I had awakened and I was on-board.

Now that I am discontent, the Judger wakes up. He’s loud in my head. Not so much telling me that I can be entrepreneurial, but questioning it…creating doubt.

When I was content, just months earlier, the Judger just slept.
Since I wasn’t trying to expand my life, I was “playing small,” and this kept the Judger quiet.

The Judger doesn’t like us expanding our lives.

As Judger sleeps during contentment his best friend, the Saboteur, stays active and awake. She never sleeps.

During contentment, The Saboteur whispers quietly to me
“Stay here, it’s comfortable. It’s nice. Ahhhh”

I know it’s not good to stay in rest too long for when we do…complacency takes over.
It happens so quietly that we don’t recognize we’ve entered in inertia.

The moment happens when we shift.
We go to move …and we feel the walls of stuckness.
We push to move out of inertia, out of complacency, to move forward into our next accomplishment.
It is at this time, the moment we are setting out to accomplish something we want,… that the Judger and the Saboteur come out to play, like the school yard bullies.

The Judger and the Saboteur are a powerful duo.
I hear they were lovers in another lifetime. Wonder how that was…

The Saboteur is quiet she works mostly in the subconscious.
Often times we can’t hear her audibly – and so, we follow her guidance without realizing it.

The Saboteur is smart, very smart.
Saboteur has me wash dishes, organize my office, research online, check emails… and really I’m spending my time and energy running in place with busy work.

Truth is, it’s wasting time. And this is how the Saboteur works.

The Saboteur distracts us from taking the actions that we need to take.
She loves to take us off our schedule and justifies it perfectly.

She laughs as she takes our eyes off of our goals.
Quite the temptress, she disrupts our laser focus
and all sorts of challenges and distractions appear.
…“I can’t because”…
…“What if” …
…“But how?”

There is a Henry Ford quote that I love,

Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off of your goal.
Yes, that is what the Saboteur excels at – taking our eyes off of our goals.

I’m sure Henry Ford had to live with the Judger and the Saboteur too. I haven’t heard of anyone who hasn’t.

The duo may be powerful, but so is life itself.
Life always lets us start over again.

Today, I am not content.
It’s a blessing, this discontentment.
It keeps my mornings crisp and my days edgy.
It’s the fire inside of me… it kicks me into gear.
Yes, the Judger and the Saboteur are with me, but
today, I’m winning.

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{ 11 comments… read them below or add one }

Louise April 13, 2010

I captured my saboteur – I am with you!


Aileen April 13, 2010

Let the captures begin!


MrsMoody April 13, 2010

Pretty! i can’t write this beautifully like you did. Nice poem
.-= MrsMoody´s last blog ..Back up and Restore in wordpress =-.


Aileen April 13, 2010

Thanks Dina!
Your blog has Great WordPress information!
And you do write beautifully!


Dina April 14, 2010

You’re very welcome Aileen;) I am glad you think so LOL. Cheers
.-= Dina´s last blog ..Back up and Restore in wordpress =-.


Priscilla Hansen, CEC April 14, 2010

My clients could benefit reading this! Can I have permission to share? :). Beautifully written Aileen!


Aileen April 20, 2010

Hi Priscilla,
Thank you for your wonderful comment!
Yes, please share


Madeleine Kolb April 20, 2010

Aileen, A very thoughtful and well-written post. I do see another side, however. Having a job which you do well and enjoy is not necessarily “playing small.” To lose your job, though, definitely wakes up your Judger (or Inner Critic). Unfortunately, in bad economic times (such as now in the U.S.), losing your job may not allow you to expand your life. It may make you contract it at least for a while just to pay the rent and buy food.
.-= Madeleine Kolb´s last blog ..7 Reasons You Should Monitor Your Blood Pressure =-.


Aileen April 20, 2010

Thank you for your comment Madeleine!


Emily April 22, 2010

I recognize the Saboteur in me, in my life, in this moment. Yes. I see
it and feel it. It is great but I am greater .. when the desire for change is stronger than the Saboteur the ball can start to roll and the power to grow is there. :)


Kathy April 24, 2010

The judger and the Saboteur was intense. I see the Saboteur in my self.


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