Fear and Doubt

Earlier today I had a battle with two characters, Fear and Doubt.

They have this uninvited way of joining me.

Yes, I have confronted them countless times …they still show up.

They’re attracted to me like Email-Spam and Telemarketers. …Telemarketers are a lot like spam…”spam-marketers”.

… I was once a Telemarketer….

SO, yes, earlier today we had a battle.

I woke up strong and assertive, ready to go and embrace the opportunity of the day.

By 10:00 am I caught myself feeling sad, shoulders hunched, heart heavy….and I knew Fear & Doubt had entered me.

Damn those little devils.

I swear I have to be vigilant at all times throughout the day, everyday, like guard who protects the kingdom.

Sometimes I catch them right away, as soon as they enter.

Other times… its days later that I catch them

They hypnotize me and begin to program my thoughts.

Those thoughts get louder and louder and I find myself believing them for a moment.

Today Fear & Doubt lingered for almost a half hour.

If they stay too long they deteriorate my ambitions.

To fend them off, I write about them.

Like cockroaches, they run when I turn on the lights.

By writing about them I shine a light directly on them…they run away.

They appear to be so huge, so strong, so in control…yet, in an instant they can …disappear.

They are not stronger then me, they are no more powerful than I am.

Oh, how I know I have empowered them at times.

It’s in the clear moments, like now, that I know…. it is only me who can dis-empower them…dismantle them into nothingness.

In my adolescent angst I thought it was me against the world…and all along it was me fighting me.

In those days I thought I was so strong and such a fighter… and all along I was using my strength to fight …myself.

Perhaps that’s why Fear & Doubt dropped in today. Years ago I used to let them in all the time. I’d let them stay with me as long as they wanted…and they enjoyed eating my hopes and dreams. I do not invite them in anymore…but they still try. They no longer knock at the door like they use-to ..now they sneak in the key hole.

I wonder….

What if I had used my strength to simply go within and grow my confidence back then?

…what if I had known how to harness my own empowerment?

How unstoppable, how confident and free I would have felt

Ahh…

But, that was not my journey.

They have been walking with me for over 30 years. I remember them back when I was four years old. Pre-school. Oh, yes, I remember.

Fear and Doubt, I empowered them back then.

I may write about Fear and Doubt

and I may write to them…perhaps many more times.

It always makes them disappear, those little roaches.

Those little roaches that run across my nose when I sleep – then wake me up as I scream.

They are like shadows – as a child, shadows appear so massive…and they are just our shadow

For now, I keep the lights on Fear & Doubt as often as can.

It’s my mental discipline

Empowerment is mine again today.

I will not let them stop me, not for long.

They may slow me down once in a while.

They may hit my pause button, but I choose to just keep going.